To the Good Strong Men

We need your help.

#metoo has shown you the depth of this sickness. But this is not a women's problem. My voice is not the solution. This is a men's problem. And your voice is the solution. We are asking you to stand with us, to see us, and to believe us. But even more, we are asking you to speak up. We are asking you to become leaders in your communities of men. Around the poker table, at the gym, in your office, out hiking. Wherever it is that you spend your time. 

I've seen a lot of lists for men. Lists of how you can support women. How you can be an "ally". They are good lists. But there is just one thing on my list. 

1. Speak up. 

I have no doubt that all of the men I know would step in if they witnessed physical or sexual violence. I know that you good men in my life would never tolerate violence in your sphere. I know.

But what I'm asking is more difficult. When you hear jokes about a woman's looks, or her weight - Speak up. When a man uses our gender as an insult to other men - Speak up. When it is implied that my worth is dependent on the size of my ass - Speak up. When a joke is made about the potential/impending hotness of my 10 year old girl - Speak up. Speak up. Speak!

Practice phrases like, "Hey, that's shitty," or "Dude, not funny." Say it in the mirror. Be ready.

I know that this is not an easy ask. You men have a lot of pressure to be a certain way. To fit in and be tough and "manly". I know that what I'm asking my alienate you from your community. It may alienate you from family members. I'm asking anyway. I'm asking you to break the paradigm that is holding women down. That is allowing for a culture where men's violence is tolerated. Understood to be part of the norm. 

We are deserving of equal treatment merely because of the fact of our shared humanity, but while that is self-evident to me, it is not evident to all. So, remind those men that they have sisters, mothers, and daughters who all deserve to not be scared, embarrassed, and demeaned. 

As we diminish our tolerance for the small aggressions and harassments, we will also begin the bigger paradigm shift. We will help men and boys begin to see women as whole humans, deserving of the same rights and the same treatment as men. As we make it socially unacceptable to demean a woman for the size of her breasts, we will also be teaching our boys that women and girls are not play toys, here for their amusement and sexual pleasure. 

Please. Speak up.