The Moral Compass (hint: It's You) Part I: Love

For example: punching is not ok.

The job of a full time parent includes a lot of tasks, none of which is quite as important as the moral and ethical compass we must constantly provide for our little people. Ok,  an overstatement you say, fine. Maybe feeding them is more important, but assuming that we are filling them with calories on a daily basis, the moral compass thing is super important. And it's constant. All. The. Time. All the time they are watching us and they are gauging our responses to different tricky encounters and situations. We're it. Did I mention it's all the time that they are watching? Except when they're sleeping, but be careful, because they're tricky little monsters and sometimes you think they are sleeping and you admit out loud that you think your neighbor is totally crazy town and also kind of a bitch and then it turns out that the sweet monsters (the kids, not the neighbors) are actually just lying in their beds being super quiet hoping you'll say something interesting that they can bring up at the next inopportune moment. Or not, maybe your kids go straight to sleep every night. Whatever.

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Anyway, the moral compass thing: I just had a very trying visit with my in-laws and I spent an exorbitant amount of time doing a shitty job explaining that the way their well intentioned grandparents love them is not intended to make them feel bad. (Even though it kind of does sometimes) Explaining how,  if a friend was treating them the way their grandparents sometimes do, they should get new friends, yet also, asking them to understand these 85 year olds who still think it's ok to yell a lot for no real reason and I'm asking my girls to tolerate it. My in-laws' communication is not evolving into a kinder more understanding dynamic as they age. In fact, since I have known them, it has devolved. My girls pick up on this. They don't like getting yelled at for sure, but they also don't like listening to someone else get yelled at. The whole thing is stressful and I'm wondering about the example I am setting. Because so far, my actions are telling them that sometimes you have to accept love that doesn't make you feel good and the truth is, I don't believe this. I don't want them to settle for a love that doesn't make them feel awesome. I need to do a better job because we get to define what kind of love we will take. It is not the giver of said love. It's the receiver.  I get to decide and my sweet babies get to decide. 

But it's so damn tricky. Here is my bottom line: Treat people kindly. With compassion and with as much understanding as possible. That  means everyone. Including yourself. So, if the kind of love you are receiving is stressing you out or making you feel sad or angry or less than, you don't have to take it. You get to say "no" or even "fuck no". But let's try to do it with compassion. Right? Like I said, this is tricky shit! But I think it's possible. We never make our girls kiss or hug or snuggle. But we do ask that they follow some basic guidelines of courtesy. Say good morning. Say please and thank you. Say excuse me while I go upstairs for a few minutes. (This is the line to use when you are escaping to write frustrating things in your journal. Or the line you use when you need to go snuggle your special fuzzy in your bed.)  Basic courtesy. We, the parents, have to show this moral high ground and we also need to protect them from the love that doesn't feel good. They're watching, these kiddos of ours. All. The. Time. 

Love should feel good. And safe. Like this.