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My Girl is Anxious

8/24/2015

 
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Today a mental health professional told me that she was "concerned" about A's level of anxiety. Concerned that A doesn't believe that we (her parents) are ever safe, that A believes disaster may befall us at any moment. And then she used the words biochemical and my daughter's name in the same sentence. And then I started crying. 

I really thought that I wanted this therapist to tell us that the problem was A. That my parenting was fine and reasonable and clearly I have a difficult child. That's what she told us and, as it turns out that is not at all what I wanted to hear. The truth that I didn't realize, is that I wanted to hear that her behavior is well within the bounds of normal. That all kids worry and freak out in the same way, or at least the same level that she does. I wanted her to say, "No need to worry. Work harder at the business of parenting and your kid will feel better and safer." 

We all want our sweet babies to be healthy and happy. To feel good and safe. To trust us and believe that, as the parents, we will take care of the scary stuff, should it come up. My big girl is sweet and funny and she loves life. She is strong and she can read better than most adults. And she is really concerned. In a giant and nebulous way that she doesn't know how to talk about. We will take the next step to helping her learn how to . . . I'm not even sure what we're trying to help her do yet, but whatever it is, we'll do it. And we will do it with as much grace and understanding as possible. 
I was commenting recently to a friend about how grateful I am that I can "do" life. That, even though it's tricky as shit sometimes, I can do it. I'm competent and I can take care of the stuff. I want my girls to feel this way too. I want them to look around themselves and say, "Yep. I've got this. In fact, today, I'm going to totally nail it!" About some things, A feels this way, but a lot of life I think overwhelms her. She keeps it together all day at school and at playdates and at special overnights with Grammy, but at home, often, the wheels come off. Her stomach hurts, she cries for reasons she cannot explain, she yells at me, she thinks her dad and I are in cahoots to love her sister more than we love her, she won't allow herself to fall asleep until she's certain that we have gone to bed. She's pretty positive that something will happen to me if she's not vigilant. Poor baby. That's a lot to carry around. 
It is my job to help her figure out how to do life. Well, fine, I'll wipe away the tears, and get to work. Challenge accepted. I will approach this with kindness and gentleness (whenever I'm not accidentally losing my mind because my sweet monsters are driving me crazy) and I will seek advice from the experts. My mama tribe, the elders of my community and some play therapists. Dang it, it'd be easier to stomach though if that therapist had just said, "Oh, I see the problem. You need to work harder at not losing your cool." Problem solved. 
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Jessica Warner
8/24/2015 12:00:22 pm

Hey Molly,

How old is your this lil gal? Have you looked into the Waldorf nine year change? xox~Jess

Molly link
8/24/2015 02:45:49 pm

She just turned 8. I haven't looked into the Waldorf nine year change, but you can be sure it's the next thing that I google. Thanks for reading the post and for thinking of us!

jessica
8/28/2015 08:33:40 pm

This article touches on it a bit.

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/01/the-nine-year-old-an-anthroposophic-perspective/

And it can start anywhere around 8-10. I also think children are growing up faster these days, even in a more old fashioned upbringing. It's a collective consciousness, so the nine year change could begin even earlier for some.

It has to do with the child realizing the world is not perfect and can manifest in stomach aches, or nightmares, or anything really. It's different for every child. But it is truly a turning point in childhood and it doesn't' last. They grow out of it, usually more confident and ready for their next stage of life.


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    I'm Molly. I'm all in for parenting.  I'm all in for good food. All in for big and small outdoor adventures. And really only partly in for homemaking. I want a Martha Stewart home and meal, but the truth is, we mamas just can't do it all. Not really. This shit is tricky!
    This is a collection of musings and missives about parenting like you mean it. I mean really mean it. About how you can pull off a really mostly decent meal, keep your house kinda clean, do some of your laundry, and also even remember to usually feed your pets. But mostly about  how being a mama is hard and we can totally rock it, but maybe that dream of perfection has got to give a little.

    Love, 
    Molly

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