I yelled again. I abhor the yelling. It's so big and loud and it scares the girls. It accomplishes nothing. Except that it makes me feel a smidge better. Until the guilt sets in. Which takes about a nanosecond. It does not solve the actual problem. As I write this it occurs to me that maybe I'm not facing "problems", but normal childhood and normal parenthood. ??!! Really, could it possibly just be this hard?! Bah!
My big girl is a stress ball. Her tummy hurts. She cries. A lot. She yells at me. Often. She worries. Often. I'm pretty sure that much of A's anxiety and stress comes from every single little (and big) thing not being perfect all of the time. I get it. I also like things to be just so. But the truth is, perfection is subjective. Often, I don't even get a little bit, what it is that she is looking for. I don't understand her picture of perfect. The crying that ensues from the lack of perfection that I don't even understand irritates me. A lot.
I want to be better at this. I don't want to yell (or sigh that super irritated sigh or throw up my hands and walk away). I want to fold her up in a big hug and just be with her. Sit with those big emotions. I want to be this kind of mama, but so often I don't quite make it. Sometimes I do.
It's hard to remember that she's not doing this to drive me bat shit crazy. It's not actually about me. (I know, what?! Not about me?!) She's just doing the best she can. But there's been crying and yelling and mean words over the clay that would not become a perfect dragon and also the paint got mixed in the wrong way and there was that time that the rock stack was not stacking properly. So much carrying on! And while these things don't matter even a little bit to me, they matter to her. Each project and failed paint mixing is a big deal to A. I will say it again, it is a big deal. To her it is a big deal and that is what actually matters.
But therein lies the challenge, right? How to teach our sweet, crying perfectionists that not everything is a big deal and that not everything will be just so all of the time, but that's ok, because not every damn thing is such a big damn deal! But also don't go diminishing their feelings and ideas. Walk the balance. It's really effing tricky!
I'm Molly. I'm all in for parenting. I'm all in for good food. All in for big and small outdoor adventures. And really only partly in for homemaking. I want a Martha Stewart home and meal, but the truth is, we mamas just can't do it all. Not really. This shit is tricky!
This is a collection of musings and missives about parenting like you mean it. I mean really mean it. About how you can pull off a really mostly decent meal, keep your house kinda clean, do some of your laundry, and also even remember to usually feed your pets. But mostly about how being a mama is hard and we can totally rock it, but maybe that dream of perfection has got to give a little.