I Love Them Fiercely. And Sometimes I Hate Them, Not Fiercely

4/29/2015

Today I hated them. I know that hate is a strong word. If I accidentally use that word to describe anything other than murder or mosquitos buzzing in my ear, Little E will remind me, "Mama, hate is a strong word." Yes, I know. But I think, for a moment, I actually might have hated them. The squabbling, the crying, the super irritating defeatism that rears it's ugly head during A's daily homework, the crying, the crying! That fucking crying is just so loud.

It's over, the crying that is, and they're in bed trying very hard not to fall asleep and I no longer hate them.

I once accidentally voiced a sentiment not even as strong as hate on Facebook and I was met with a barrage of mean comments all suggesting that maybe I shouldn't have chosen to be a mother and certainly I had no business being a stay at home mother since clearly I was bitter and angry.

I was too new at being a mama to know that those commenters were idiots. Instead, I believed them. I thought that if this job was kicking my butt, which it was, and that sometimes I didn't love my babies very much, which sometimes I didn't, or if, God forbid, I even hated them a teeny tiny bit for a second, or that sometimes I hated the job itself, that I must be bitter and angry at best, and probably also incompetent. Because I was awash in feelings of shame and embarrassment and self doubt, I didn't have the where with all to process the fact that after a patient vomits in a nurse's face and he mutters on his way out of the room, "This fucking job," no one calls him bitter and angry. No one suggests that he shouldn't be a nurse. People think, "Yep, that is one hard and messy job." When a Nike exec complains about all the after hours work he puts in, no one suggests that maybe he shouldn't have chosen that career. People commiserate. It's a difficult climate and they suggest that Nike should not be expecting its employees to put in so much extra time. And they suggest that they should all go out for a drink and trash Nike for the evening.

There is little of this type of forgiveness in the parenting world. If you have chosen to be a stay at home parent (or any kind of parent) you are supposed to smile and wax sentimental about how fast the time is going. I do that. I do, because, truly the time is flying. Just like all the elders of my community told me that it would. And much of it (some of it) is very sweet time, but let's not pretend that we don't sometimes hate it a little bit. And sometimes, some of us, hate the sweet babies a little bit too. Just a little bit. And just for a second. It's ok. There's nothing wrong with us. This job is really hard and the hours suck. So does the pay. And, don't even get me started on the benefits package.

We need to cut each other and ourselves some slack. Just like everyone else in the working world who gets to blow off steam about their jobs, parents deserve this same outlet. Just because it's a job that is unpaid, does not mean that we don't get to acknowledge how hard it is. Quite frankly, we should get to bitch about 15x more than everyone else precisely because we are NOT getting paid.

Soooo tired! Sooooo much laundry!

And we love it too. And, holy shit, do we ever love these babies. This is a love far more fierce than I ever imagined. Sometimes I look at them and I think that I truly might just burst or overflow with how much muchness is now contained in my body. They are filling me up. And I love them. And the job of keeping them safe and happy and fulfilled and in clean clothes and sleeping on clean sheets and eating healthy yummy food and peeing in a clean bathroom is just a really fucking big job that never ever ends and that is exhausting. And, the truth is, parts of it, like the bathroom cleaning and clothes washing are not very fulfilling.

And then this (that wonderful little naked baby on the right) happens and again with the super fullness. We are lucky to have this ridiculously difficult job and when we are done hating it, we'll be grateful.

Cut yourself a break. It's ok.

4 Comments

Monica Barrett

4/29/2015 08:18:09 am

What excellent points Molly- a most beautiful piece of writing and expressing!!!!. Thank you for having a voice and using it, we all benefit (speaking for myself-at least I do!).

I am a life-long student of becoming aware of my feelings and recognizing them. It is not only negativity that results from feelings of hate- it can create change!

Once I recognize an emotion and ask what do I/you need right now (of myself or a child) the answer is usually a revelation. "From the mouth of babes." I don't say this to fix a wrong emotion-just to tap into a power source. My deepest human connections can come through a door that started as hate

Molly link

4/29/2015 01:36:16 pm

Monica, as always, you are thoughtful and spot on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Yes, our powerful emotions say a lot about what is happening. And they help to clue us in to what is deep and important and needs attention.

Leah

4/30/2015 06:31:48 am

Such a refreshing post.
I'm not a mother but I used to teach kindergarten in Korea. Parents, just like you have your feelings, let me tell you that those sugary sweet kindergarten teachers are not always over-smiling and in awe of your perfect little angels. When I was teaching, to a non-teacher, the banter that happened on a Friday night about our students that were 2 to 7 years old would be and was appalling. Yes, sometimes we hated cute little toddlers and kindergartners. They cried, hit, bit, pulled on piercings, peed their pants, head-butted us in the mouth, coughed/sneezed in our faces, said terribly mean things, threw themselves on the floor, destroyed books, dumped grape juice on us etc. Yep, sometimes we hated them. And we even laughed about it! Why? Because we got together and talked crap about little kids and realized we ALL had these shameful feelings and then felt more human and less ashamed. Were we terrible people or teachers? Maybe sometimes. I don't know. But we had amazing, bright, sweet, fun students who brought smiles to our hearts (ok, fine, not all of them) that occasionally pushed us to the limit and we acknowledged that and cut ourselves some slack. At the end of the day, my students were happy, healthy, and learning. I loved my students and job (usually) and they never knew I had moments when they drove me to utter the word 'hate'. They were all convinced I was each and every student's number one fan, as it should be. And I got that kind of stress when I still got to go home at the end of the day and could get an assistant teacher to take over for a minute during class. So to stay-at-home moms with happy, healthy children...serious props!!
Feel your feelings, acknowledge them and allow yourself some compassion for being human. Thanks for that post.

4/30/2015 02:33:39 pm

Leah,
Thank you for the time you served teaching our sweet babies! We, as parents, at least have a strong biological imperative to not kill our children. You teachers just don't kill them by shear will power. Thank you thank you thank you for your service to humanity. Really!
And, also, thank your for reading and sharing your thoughts.

full throttle parent (dubious home ec skills)