How To Start A Conversation With A Kid

When A was very little I noticed that everyone, really everyone, even my hippie feminist mother started conversations with her by saying something like this, "You have such a pretty smile," or "I love your bouncy curls," or "Your dress is so pretty." On the surface these may seem like benign comments, even sweet. But, maybe because I'm high strung and a little sensitive, I found them to be condescending and insidious. If we open with "you're pretty" the message is clear: The most important thing is how you look. Even if we talk about something else next, the first and most important thing is that you are cute, pretty and well behaved.

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I'm not an idiot, I get it that how we look is what people see and that it's an easy opener when you don't actually know someone. But little people don't always (or ever) get the intricacies of social interaction. They aren't thinking about how that woman on the bus just didn't know what else to say, but is wishing she had grandchildren and so she opened with the only thing she could think of. I promise the sweet babies are not having these thoughts. 

They are thinking "I'm pretty, I'm pretty, I'm pretty. Pretty dress, pretty curls. Pretty." They like being complimented. So they keep trying to do the things that got them those compliments. Ick! Is this what we want our little ones striving for?! Not me.

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Here are some things to say instead: 

1. Wow! You are really good at climbing stairs. You must be strong.
2. My name is ______. I have 2 nieces, they're 5 & 3. How old are you?
3. [To a child carrying a book] Oh, I love to read! Do you have a favorite character in that book?
4. Come here often? [I'm not kidding! But on review, maybe it should be softened up a bit] I love this park [bookstore, restaurant, whatever], have you been here before?
5. You're doing a great job riding the street car [bus, subway, whatever].
6. [To a child with scraped knee] Oh, I've had a scraped knee before. Were you running fast when that happened?
7. That looks like a heavy backpack. You must be strong. And have a lot of cool things to bring along. [See what I did there?! Double compliment!]
8. What a healthy snack you're eating! Good for you. What's your favorite vegetable?
9. I like the way you're talking to your mama. You seem like a really nice person. [Is this over the top? I think it might be a little much, but I'm leaving it on the list anyway, because, be nice to your mamas!]

Also, these comments are not gender specific. You could say these things to boys or girls. Why oh why are we assigning gender roles to our small little people?! Just let them be. We begin sending the secret and coded message to girls at such a young age that it is good when they are pretty, quiet and clean. I asked my husband and a thoughtful friend of mine with a boy what people say to boys. Both of them said that people either said nothing (What?! WTF? Nothing?!) or they commented on the boys being tough. That is just as effed up as telling girls they are pretty. I'm sorry?! Nothing? We're not talking to little boys?! Or we're complimenting them on their toughness. Again, ick! And no fucking wonder we have some problems!

None of this is new information. Anyone who is paying attention to gender and sex and the way in which we are raising children, knows this stuff. However, I think what we are not noticing is that it is happening in the teeny tiny interactions we have with other people's children. The small comment in passing. The little "niceties" are not really nice. Re-think these interactions.


Tell her she is a fierce. Obviously!