Let's Talk (about teasing, about violence, about boys & girls)

Let's talk about the way we address bullying and teasing. Let's talk about how we address it differently with our boys vs. our girls. Let's talk about how we can best serve our sweet babies. How we can best help them to become strong, independent, compassionate humans. It's time. Past time really. 

My friend recently shared on FB that her daughter was teased at lunch. So much teasing that she cried and felt ashamed of her lunch choices. 

Many well meaning people responded to the post. The responses fell into one of three camps:
1. Poor girl, I'm so sorry that happened. 
2. Poor girl, I'll come over and scare the crap out of those boys. (really?!)
3. Poor girl, but probably the boys like her and they're teasing to get her attention. Boys will be boys. (nope-ity nope nope!)

PART I:

We have a problem. We are either accepting the narrative of our boys as aggressors, or we are attacking them with our own adult aggression. They're children. Stop it! Really, stop it!

Our boys need to be shown as much compassion as our girls. We need to teach our boys how to relate, how to make friends in ways that don't involve aggression. When we meet boys with violence we're teaching violence. I don't believe any of those well meaning protectors of my friends child would actually hurt or even threaten another child, but that we even rely on those old fashioned and outdated tropes is misguided and dangerous.

I KNOW, boys are more physical, boys play in different ways than girls, I KNOW! I hear you. That doesn't mean they can't be kind humans as well. That doesn't mean that they don't understand what it means to be a good friend.

Come on, let us, communally, give them a little credit. And while doing that, let's teach them about emotional intelligence. The same way we teach our girls to search out the meaning in someone's body language, in their lowered eyes, in their softer voice, or their raised voice, let us teach our boys. We owe it to them.

Let us show them that it is not weak to be kind, it is not weak to reach out to someone less fortunate than you. It is not weak to show empathy for your classmate. Teach them that it is strong and brave to stand up to a bully, not by offering more violence or meanness, but by offering kindness to the one being bullied. That it is strong and brave to turn your back on the bully, that it is strong and brave to NOT BE THE BULLY! 

Let us change the narrative for our boys.

PART II: 

Here's what we're teaching our girls when we suggest that we'll beat up their tormentors or that their tormentors like them and just don't know how to show it.

We're teaching them two things: 1. that they need a protector, or 2. that affection doesn't always feel good, but they should accept it, because, well, that's how boys are. Aren't you lucky he likes you?! 

No! Gross! I reject these messages. I will teach my girls something different. I will teach them that they do not need a protector. They are in charge of what they will accept and not accept in the way of treatment from others. I will teach them that they have value. That they are strong and powerful young women. I will teach them that they can walk away whenever they damn well please.

"Fuck the haters", is what I will teach my girls.

Not in a mean and aggressive way,
but in a you do what you want, girl, kind of way.
In a way that says you own your body and you own your feelings.
In a way that says you are not defined by what someone else says about you.
In a way that says surround yourself with people who lift you up.
Be one who lifts others.
This is what you deserve, child.
​Nothing less.